Monday, August 15, 2016

Bill Calls Donald

Donald: Hello...

Bill:  Don, what the hell are you doing?  Hillary's numbers are tanking!

Donald: Who is this?

Bill:  It's Bill Clinton you idiot!

DonaldBill?  I didn't know it was you.  Your name didn't come up on my phone.

Bill:  Oh, yeah, we all had to get new phones.  Something about Tony Weiner texting Nancy Pelosi.

Donald: Oh, uh... OK... so, what are you talking about?  Hillary is doing terrific in the polls... just like we talked about.

Bill:  You're not really telling me you think those are REAL polls are you?  
We'er polling DEAD PEOPLE you idiot!  NOBODY is actually "with her"... but... This has GOT to look like an election at SOME point.

DonaldBill, Bill, I'm holding up my end.  I'm doing FANTASTIC!  I've insulted everyone.  I've insulted women, blacks, Latinos, judges, veterans, parents of veterans, gays, disabled people... I've insulted Republicans, Democrats, bankers... I've insulted BABIES!!! And THEY can't even vote!  

Bill:  You've just GOT to try harder... I mean... don't try so hard... Whatever you're doing - stop doing it Don, you're messing this all up. 

DonaldBut, Bill... I'm not spending a DIME.  I haven't run an ad in MONTHS!  The media is giving this election to me.  I've even started insulting THEM, and they STILL LOVE ME.  I sent Ivanka to vacation with PUTIN's girlfriend, for crying out loud.  Everybody STILL loves me.  

So... tell me how we can get people to vote for Hillary and I'll help you.  I've stopped going after her.  I just can't think of anything else I can do Bill.

Bill:  Well, lay off the "rigged elections" stuff for a while.  Stay on the "rigged media"... that's good for now.  The less media attention we have, the better.  The Olympics should have helped us but it hasn't.  You should start insulting a few Olympians... that's sure to divert attention for a while.  If you can find a former Bernie supporter who's competing in the Olympics, that would be the best.  

Donald: OK, I'll put my people on it.  It will be terrific!

Bill:  Now listen... I think the FBI is still poking around the elections... and I can only be at so many polling places at one time... so, you're going to have to help me out here... it has GOT to look like a fair election... and at this point the only way Hillary is going to win is if YOU drop out at the last possible moment.  Can you do that for me Big Guy?

DonaldBill, are you kidding me?  I can't WAIT to get out of this... and I'd rather not hang on any longer than I have to.  I can drop out just before the election and before there's time for anyone else to get involved.  But, what do you want me to do in the mean time? 

Bill:  Well, I don't know who else is left for you to insult... Asians?

Donald: Wait... not the Chinese... Who's going to make my hats?

Bill:  Well, I can't think of anyone else who likes you.  Is it too late to start attacking the NRA?

Donald: Now THAT sounds terrific!  I won't have trouble in that department... I guarantee it.  Oh, and sorry about that "2nd Amendment people" thing... I think I must have been thinking of the 5th Amendment.

Bill:  Yeah, well... if there's one thing we 5th Amendment people do, it's STICK TOGETHER.   

So, how's your daughter doin'?


GOP Operatives Aren’t So Sure That Trump Even Wants To Win

“Just when I’m convinced that all signs of control of Trump’s actions point to Moscow, I’m jerked back to reality that only Bill Clinton could really devise this madness from a GOP nominee,” said John Weaver, who spearheaded John Kasich’s presidential campaign. “Seriously, even someone trying to throw the race wouldn’t go to these lengths, even out of self-respect.”

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